Yoga & Yardwork

I honestly can’t remember if I used to experience the full range of emotions I now feel on a daily basis before everything turned to shit. If I did, they definitely weren’t felt as intensely or as frequently; otherwise the normal world might have had me institutionalized long ago. I wake up and falsely promise myself that everything’s going to be ok. I breathe deep, purposeful breaths and try to prepare for the day ahead with a zen-like mindset. The days are just so long. By mid-afternoon, I’m tired and totally over this shit (God help me if it’s raining on top of being 3:00p.m.). And then there’s the guilt at day’s end where I reflect on that particular day’s failures—parenting, home-schooling, work, wifing, you name it. I fall asleep to another false promise that I will fucking pull myself together and simply be better tomorrow. I’m an absolute lunatic. It’s like I’m the lead role in a terribly acted-out Lifetime rendition of Groundhog Day. [Side note, who doesn’t love Bill Murray?!]

I do find and cherish moments where I truly love this new life. Seriously, there are things that will be hard to give back up. I love that my husband isn’t traveling, and that I get to spend so much time with him and Jacoby. We go for walks, eat meals together, play boardgames…we didn’t get to do any of this before. I acknowledge and celebrate the life and home we’ve built together and very literally count my blessings on a daily basis. Our life doesn’t suck.

On the one hand I’m almost broken, and on the other I feel more whole than ever before. It’s exhausting.

…But I may have found my outlets.

Outlet #1:
I love to work out…hard. There’s something about pushing myself to absolute limits and proving that my body (former chubby kid) can achieve things I never imagined. For the 17 years we’ve been together this has been a part of me, and the hubby would never dare to wish it away. He’d instantly regret it.

Outlet #2:
I don’t typically practice yoga, but I’ve developed a newfound appreciation for it these last couple of months. The stretching is fine, but let’s be honest…it’s all about corpse pose and savasana. We all need to hear and believe that our inner light is strong and that everything is going to be ok every now and then. Fuck, I’m fragile!

Outlet #3:
The last one is something new, but possibly my favorite. I was given two beautiful hydrangeas for Mother’s Day (thank you boys!), but in order to make room for them, we had to remove a couple of old stumps. Stump removal is satisfying. Period. C’est fin. End of story. I had a shovel, my child’s gardening gloves (which shows how much outdoor labor I do), and rusty bush clippers…and I fucking went to town. Mr. Gene across the street was afraid.

I’m an emotional wreck, but will continue to try my best, scold myself, pick up the pieces and try again. I’m currently thankful for virtual workouts, whispering yoga instructors and stumps (no bush is safe!).

Hopefully you’re all finding outlets to let out some steam. We all deserve it!